*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.