[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
#NoRestForTheWicked
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”