[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
You Might Also Like
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme