*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
You Might Also Like
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.