*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake