[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it