[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.