on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
You Might Also Like
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I put the h in mysterious.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake