My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.