Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
when nothing goes right… go left
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
yea so i messed up lol
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night