{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.