[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.