I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
A short story about romance.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“I’m helping” 😅
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.