@Sarcasticsapien: On Halloween I'm going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we're going through with this election.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"
@stephanidek: [NYE] ME: *wearing 2017 glasses* OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: So how do you like the flying? PENGUIN: Meh it's no big deal GOD: Oh is that right