On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.