[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
LOOOOOOL
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet