On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today