On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.