Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.