It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
He took my last fry, your honor
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Duolingo getting serious.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them