@TheCatWhisprer: On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up.
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@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
@duplicitron: The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.
@notalogin: Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower. Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
@HeyZeus666: At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.