On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.