On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Message from the dog groomers
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
good let them take over I have had enough
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.