There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?