On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.