On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
You Might Also Like
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Ummm