ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
*skinny dips into black hole
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally