[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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what could possibly go wrong?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.