“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
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elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.