I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.