*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!