[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
the three branches of government
plums roundup
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Why font matters.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh