[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
if my sleeping schedule was a person
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*