[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
You Might Also Like
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement