[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
You Might Also Like
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*