On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*has no idea what a book even is*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Miscakes
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3