[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.