On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?