“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My Plans 2020
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Not today, today.
Not today.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.