“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Do one person every day that scares you.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.