On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.