On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.