On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.