On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!