On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.