On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
#CatsOnTwitter
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.