[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
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[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
my retirement plan is braless
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!