ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Finally
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Look at this
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?