[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.