8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
🤣😈🤣
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Mmmm canned fish.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.