On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question