*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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Writing, She Murdered.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Pass gas, not judgment.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO