[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”